**Insert disclaimer here…if sex makes you squeamish, if you are underage, if you don’t want to know the TMI this post might include, stop reading now. Just close this post and move on to the next one…although I intend to keep it clean and informative, yet non-descriptive, I am also going to keep it honest. Might I also add, this is MY experience, I speak for me and me only, and I’m guessing you are reading because you are at least a little bit curious.
Laine has been on testosterone for 13 weeks, or rather three months as of today. (Yes, do the math, there are 52 weeks in a year, and so although there are 4 weeks in a month, there are technically 13 weeks in three months…we pick up an additional week in there somehow, just go with it.) Over the past three months, do you know what our one transitional issue has been? Sex. No joke. I’ve mentioned before that I have a high drive overall. However I am still human. There are days I didn’t sleep well the night before or I am overtired for any number of reasons, so I crawl into bed and want to crash. Laine crawls into bed and the testosterone has been flowing all day…this makes for interesting evenings from time to time.
When you are given the informational sheet by the doctor upon beginning hormonal therapy, you will find it slipped into an “effects of” list that testosterone heightens your drive…but no one wants to discuss the fact that your drive will literally consume you. Trust me when I say this, I am engaged to a 52 year old 14 year old. There is no benefit what so ever to having a conversation while wearing my bra and panties while I’m mid process of getting dressed for the day…the conversation itself goes right out the window because he is focused on the way the bra cups my breast. I could potentially tell him I sold my kidney on the black market, used the money to buy a Porsche and I’m painting the house pink with glitter accents…he’d probably agree to all of it because all he heard was “boobs, boobs, boobs.” Don’t let anyone tell you that the sex drive might be “slightly affected” by the testosterone…the fact is, the damn drive skyrockets, and as a couple, we have to learn to navigate that.
Every blog, article, website, etc. regarding FTM transition has this question listed within it somewhere…How do you have sex with a Trans* Man?…and yet no one really ever answers it. I have yet to find an answer that didn’t include “the same way you do” or “do I ask you about your bedroom antics?” I get it; trust me I do…but people are curious. Let me correct that, SOME people are curious, others are just naïve. (“What do you mean you don’t need a biological male with a birth given penis and a biological female with a birth given vagina to have sex??!!!”) (MIND BLOWN!)
Fact is there is not ONE way to have sex. Sex should be fun and creative no matter who you are crawling into bed with. Be honest with yourself, the same position every time…there is no fun in that, am I right? That being said, use your imagination…and your hands, and your mouth and your toys…am I getting my point across??
Being intimately involved with a Trans*Man for me is both a mental and physical experience. We as a couple have to throw sex-ed norms out the window and figure this shit out on our own. What works? What doesn’t? What used to feel good yesterday might not feel good two days post shot, but tomorrow it might feel magical once again. (Testosterone does affect the junk, and I wont go into detail here, you have Google for that…for the purpose of this post you need to know it does change things down there.)
Identifying as a Pansexual individual, I have been intimate with both biological male and biological females in the past. Laine is the first trans*man (in medical transition) that I have been intimate with, and for me it’s the best of both worlds. What I have noticed during this experience, when compared to hetero-normative sex, is there is no room for laziness. I’m not certain laziness is really the word I need here, so let me explain….in biological hetero intimacy, you have birth given penis, birth given vagina, you both go at it until the end when you both end up satisfied within a few minutes of one another (at least if you are doing it right…if that isn’t happening you might want to Google a few other things while you are scrolling through informative internet websites….just saying) and then everyone rolls over and goes to sleep (or makes a sandwich or whatever it is you do after full satisfaction.) Intimacy with a trans*man involves so much more than penis and vagina. There are bodies, hands, mouths, toys, (combined together I personally find it much more intimate, emotional and personalized than hetero-normative sex EVER was!) But what this also means is achieving a joint satisfaction is more of a challenge because typically there is physical stimulation for one or the other but rarely both at the same exact time, unless you are really working for it. Which means you either have to put in that extra effort to find that bliss at the same exact moment together, or you have to take turns, which means partner #1s sandwich grabbing has to wait…either way there is no room for laziness.