“Understanding is deeper than knowledge; There are many people who know you but very few who understand you.” Laine and i continue to share our story with the intimate details that we do, for the purposes of education, awareness, and understanding.
When this process (I say process because of what I am about to explain here….) began at the beginning of this year, close to 10 months ago, the conversations included a list of details that Laine wanted and didn’t want to include in this transition process. In more than multiple conversations I reminded him to “never say never.”
It started out as social presentation only. The female clothing would go away and he would transition to a closet full of male clothing. Pronouns were uncertain, a name change was far off into the future if ever and HRT was of no interest. (Note: we are 10 months post original conversation….pronouns are all male (he, him, his), his name and gender change has been legal for exactly one month now, and he’s 22 weeks into HRT)
In February, at the mere beginning of this journey, at the HRC Arizona Gala we listened to Dr. Bobbi Lancaster give a speech that left Laine in tears. Dr. Lancaster’s authenticity and honesty were inspiring. I saw something in Laine’s face that night that told me the journey wouldn’t stop at the suit he was wearing that evening, I don’t know if it was hope, or him being honest with himself, but within weeks he went from a long list of “no and never’” to a list full of “yes and maybe.”
One of the first big changes from no to yes was HRT. (Hormone Replacement Therapy…aka: Testosterone; otherwise known in our house as “boy shots”) After researching and reading, Laine decided he did indeed want to follow this path as a part of the journey. This is a medical, life long path. It isn’t one to take lightly. However it is the one that leads to physical changes, the changes that allow Laine to truly present as the man he is. Because of the T, he is growing facial hair, he has developed masculine shoulders and arm muscles, and his overall physical presentation is socially seen and accepted as male.
Top Surgery has always been a must. Even when Laine lingered in the Gender Queer space for just a moment, he has always been adamant about Top Surgery. The boobs, they have to go…his words not mine. Below the belt, that is another story. First, let me tell you, if you don’t know about the surgical options available below the belt, it truly is fascinating the things they can do down there. I have sat through presentations given by surgeons and seen many photographs of the options available…its pretty amazing. If you are curious and have no idea what I am talking about, Google Brownsteincrane.com and check out their website. They do have photographs so plan your web searches accordingly…I’m not certain your boss will be open to your explanation if your web browser history brings up photographs of a metoidioplasty or a phalloplasty during your next shared screen office presentation.
Bottom surgery started out on the “No” list. It has since moved to the “maybe” list. T shots can (and do) change that entire area down there, and it can take a few years of being on T to reach the maximum effects of the T alone. Therefore surgery of any kind (down there) would not happen for a few more years. Currently only the most minor option is on the maybe list, with the most inclusive surgery still on the “No” list. But like I said in the beginning this is a process, each day takes us one more step further ahead on this journey and thoughts change, wants change and needs change along the way.
Just as recently as June, at the Philadelphia Trans Health Conference, multiple vendors had STP (Stand to Pee) and Packers available for sale. We walked up and down the aisles of tables multiple times that week and yet none of those items were appealing to Laine. I offered to stop and look at some with him, questioned if he had any interest. The answer back in June…No, nada, none what so ever. Yesterday he came home to me as excited as a kid in a candy store his eyes all lit up, because he had been searching online and found “THE one.” I didn’t have any idea he was even thinking about this path, so it immediately intrigued me and I didn’t have to think twice about being supportive. We shopped online together and the order was placed. He later told me thank you for being open to placing that order and he was sorry he keeps changing his mind about these things. I reminded him I have told him since day one, never say never and that I knew these list flops from no to yes are expected as this process progresses. I also told him I wont tell him no to any of these changes along this journey, ever…unless he decides he wants a different wife…then we WILL have a discussion! 😉
This process is not one set in stone. It doesn’t have a defined right and wrong path. There is no given order or list of “you MUST do this.” What an individual in transition wants or needs today, might not be the same thing tomorrow. Those of us watching the transition from the outside, have to be open to these changes and these options. They might appear at any time. It isn’t fair to ask someone in transition if they plan to do “X” and then in 3 months if that answer is different, we can’t hold it against them. They aren’t lying to us. They are still figuring this whole journey out, and it is a never-ending process. They have no choice but to be flexible in their thinking and they need us to be flexible in ours. Support what they want and need today and if it changes tomorrow, embrace those changes along with them.
Loving Laine Out Loud 