The little glass bottle with the gold spray top has sat on the vanity untouched for over six months now. That is not entirely true, I have moved it long enough to clean the countertop, to wipe the settling dust from the bottle, and return it to the spot it calls home in the collection of perfumes and colognes.
This morning the smallest child entered the master bathroom and demanded she wear a spritz of the amber colored liquid, she wanted to smell good for picture day. Thinking nothing of it, I grabbed the bottle from its resting place, pressed the gold button top until the scent was released into the air and onto her tiny little wrist. With that one push of the button top, she was happy and on her way, and I was immediately thrown back almost 365 days in time.
Its funny to me how something so simple as a familiar scent, can mentally return us immediately to a place in time that we haven’t necessarily forgotten, but we have tucked away for safe keeping. For me that spray of perfume meant September of 2014. It was only a year ago, but it feels like much longer. So much has changed and developed and emerged over the past year, it’s hard to believe it all happened only a short time ago.
I might disclose more truth than I should here, and for that I am sorry to those who may be affected by my words. But this is our story and it’s our reality. There is no reason to hide behind half-truths and guilt. Looking back to the evening we first met in November of 2013, walking into our first Phoenix Pride board meeting, neither of us knew what the future held for us. Neither of us knew joining that board would change our lives in more ways than one. We spent almost 10 months interacting with one another at events, meetings, etc, no differently than we did anyone else. There are key points along the way where we each can look back and put the pieces together now that we couldn’t before…Why am I a fumbling mess in their presence? …How in the world do I remember so many details about that specific meeting or event when I can’t recall something that happened 10 minutes ago half the time? The universe spent those 10 months slowly introducing us to what was yet to come, introducing us a small bit at a time to our fate and happiness.
In September of last year something happened. Call it the stars aligning, call it fate, call it whatever you want, but those “WTF?” moments began to turn into “OMG” moments.
A few weeks from today will mark our “First year” together as being complete. At the time we knew what we wanted but we had no idea how it would all play out. For those of you who know us personally, you know the reality behind it…we were both married to other women at the time. My relationship unhealthy, and Laine’s comfortable, but lacking.
The scent of “his” perfume this morning, put me right back to our beginning. The beginning of our date nights and our late nights, exhausting ourselves just to spend 5 more minutes together. Our endless online chats, falling asleep apart those first few months, yet together, connected only by our typed words and shared music. The widest range of emotions were felt within those few months in the beginning. The excitement and high of being in love, the hurt and the pain of being apart and of navigating our realities of exiting our previous relationships. The “I need you(s)” “I want you(s)” and “I love you(s)” got us through the “what-ifs” and the unknowns.
After navigating and surviving those first few months apart, we moved in together. That is where our life together truly began, even though on the calendar we were already a few months into “US.” Moving in together meant a new chapter of “US,” along with the beginning of THIS story, the story of “Becoming Laine.”
I know I have stated before that I never felt a loss when “Joyce” made the decision to live authentically as Laine. I never mourned, never felt any negative emotion at all around it. This is because Laine has always been there, just by another name. Those memories that flooded me this morning, thanks to that mist of scented liquid, I may have experienced with “Joyce,” but Laine was right there the entire time beneath the makeup, the clothes bought in the “female” section of the store, and beneath the perfume.
I hope that every time I pick up that little glass bottle, I will be swept back to the beginning, even if just for a moment. I never want to forget how we got to where we are now. The emotions, the moments, the memories we created so early on. I don’t want to forget them and I wouldn’t trade them for anything.
The scent reminds me of our dinner dates. Our getaway stays. The Sarah Smith fundraiser. Holiday concerts and Zoolights with the kids. Our first trip to Las Vegas and New Years Eve together. Some of those memories will forever remain the same and others will be built upon. When we travel to Las Vegas in a few weeks for a weekend getaway trip, Laine will pack his cologne and the perfume will remain at home, holding it’s place on the vanity top, until the next time a small child asks for a spritz, or until I have a day where I want to go back to the beginning for just a moment…but only for a moment because as much as I cherish the memories from our past, I enjoy the present and look forward to our future just as much.
Loving Laine Out Loud 